I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
