I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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