She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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