All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
