I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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