This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
