did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
