Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
