you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
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I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
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I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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