Betty ford says i'm here all night
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
