is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I think my moral compass just broke
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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