it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
