my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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