So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
