i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
