i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I need a burrito and a hug.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
