I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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