Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
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I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
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they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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