I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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