Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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