and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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