i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
