i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
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I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
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I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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