I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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