"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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