first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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