so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
