HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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