I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
