There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize