Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
P.S. I can't hear my feet
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
