just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
