Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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