Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
