There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
