eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
