I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
