This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
