Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
