I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Randomize
