the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
there is glitter all over my balls
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