Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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