thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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