chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
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I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
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He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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