it hurts more in the daytime
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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