I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
