Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
My vagina just recognized that song.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
