Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
