Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
