All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
