I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
