My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
