yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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