I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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