I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
When did angry sex become our thing?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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