Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
