She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
