Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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