dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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